Mirrors

I was good at escaping.

Solo Trips were my thing. 2017 — sophomore year of college, to be exact.

They began as 8-hour long road trips from my apartment-dorms to my hometown—granting me the company of peace and quietude I didn't know I needed. Quickly, I’d hop in the car, eager to get home to my friends and loved ones. As a plus, these trips counted as recovery and compensation for long study hours.

As time moved on, I graduated, moved back, and settled into my post-graduate life. Life moved fast. A lot changed. Surroundings grew familiar. Experience changed me. I learned a lot about love and relationships—lost pieces of myself along the way. My best of friends moved across the country. I celebrated. I mourned. I loved. I grew. I questioned. I learned. Laughed. Yet, life moved fast.

Solution: book a trip.

On May 22, I booked another solo trip to Cali. Just days before, I had my heart broken for what felt like 20th time. I was too embarrassed to talk to my girlfriends about it and too impatient to wait on a therapy session to become available. So, I booked the earliest flight for the weekend.

And just like the two solo trips before my May trip: work responsibilities, relationship drama, discontentment, depression (etc. you name it) was piling up around me. So, what was my resolve? Booking the earliest flight for the weekend. You catch the pattern here.

I was good at escaping.

It wasn’t until the last day of this solo trip, while journeying back home, that I began to reflect on my tendencies. I realized that at any minor (or major) inconvenience in my life, I was ready to escape it. I was ready to leave and skip to the parts of my life where everything was good or felt better.

I captured a lot of moments while on my trip. What these pictures don’t show is how sad, unhappy, broken, depressed, and unfulfilled I was. I found myself disguising the pain through smiles and perfectly edited photos for Instagram. I was in love with the appearance of self-care (what media makes it seem). The real real, was that I was avoiding the work that needed to be done. The deep inner work. Heart work. Although this was tough, I was not alone.

In doing the work, I have learned that self-care/love is about fixing our eyes on unseen things—dealing with matters of the heart, mind, and spirit. And sometimes, in dealing with what we do see and experience, it requires us to go to—and even acknowledge—painful places within ourselves. The beauty in this, is that our healing will thank us for our bravery. Because we are worth discovery.
See, self-care/love has taught me how to fill in the gaps. Not with material pleasures and things, but by showing up for myself. It has shown me how to be enough for myself.

Faith works the same way. In 2 Corinthians 4:18, we learn to fix our eyes not on we see, but on what is unseen. What we do see and experience is only temporary, but the things we do not see is eternal. Much like our current circumstances, they don’t last forever. What does last forever, is God’s love for us. Acknowledging the pain we’ve experienced—and caused—is oftentimes hard to do. Know that we don’t have to sort through it alone. As long as we trust and have faith in Him and his ability to carry us through—the good times and the hard times—we can be certain, that He will never leave our side.

Here are the things I held closely, in hopes that you will, also:

Stand in the mirror. Beyond what your eyes can see. Face your open wounds and do the work it takes to heal. You are not alone in this. No more settling for the appearance of self-care / self-love. Put in the work to show up as your best self. You deserve it. I know it’s scary. But, You can do the hard things. And with God you can do anything. All the things within you that you believe are too heavy, ugly, too broken, can be repaired. Healing belongs to you. God restores. I’ll never let you forget it. I love you. God loves you.

No more escaping.

read: 1 Corinthians 13:12 & 2 Corinthians 4:18

this is for you. for me. for us.